I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
