I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
