Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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