I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
