me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
