I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
