K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
