If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
