A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I currently don't understand fingers.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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