did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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