Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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