she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
