i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
