Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
