i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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