i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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