I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
