If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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