in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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