I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
