matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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