So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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