jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
how does that bad decision feel?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
