Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
