Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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