How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
