dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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