my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
