I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
