That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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