Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
