____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
