Just fell off a train. Bad.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
two words...techno handjob
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
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