I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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