I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
