someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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