It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
