My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Will exercising make me less horny?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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