And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
