Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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