I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't deserve a penis
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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