Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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