shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
