He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
