Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
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Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
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I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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