i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
