Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
