I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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