I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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