as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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