We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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