One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
