he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
