he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Pooping to opera.
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