he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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