Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Randomize
