apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
