Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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