my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
