if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
