i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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