i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
love makes seman taste better
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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