I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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