No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
