At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
