What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
