Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
