If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
