I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
