Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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