If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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