he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
